I want to raise awareness.
For PMDD
For women
For our sisters
For our mothers
For our daughters
For ourselves.
I want women to be better than they are. I want us to rise to the occasion. I want us to be independent, empowered, and strong. I want us to be leaders in our fields. I want us to be friends (please see my post here). Women have struggled for years to show the world their strengths. I want to remove the stigmas against female problems and personalities. I want to rip away the sexual stereotypes, gender discrimination, and objectification. I believe that the strongest movement happens not with one woman, but when women unite. Together, as a community, as a gender, as a whole, I believe we are the force to be reckoned with.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
PMDD: The Emotional/Cognitive Side
As if the physical symptoms aren't pleasant enough, the emotional and cognitive
symptoms are worse, for me anyway. I can deal with not being able to
control my body's temperature, but not being able to control my own
thoughts is a terrible way to live. I have a terrible time focusing
during my luteal phase. I absolutely cannot concentrate on anything some
days. This leads to an inability to work, which as you can imagine, is
quite distressing. It only leads to more stress worrying I won't be able
to pay the bills. Currently, I am a freelance writer. To date, this is
the longest I've ever stayed in one job, and I am positive it's because I
work mostly for myself and don't have the restrictions that come with
regular, out-of-the-house jobs. 1) It helps a lot not to have to
get up and physically go to a job every day. I know many women who have
been unable to hold such jobs, and some on disability for other issues,
which they consider to be their saving grace. I know other women
desperately trying to get disability and being turned away. Meanwhile,
many other people with issues far less detrimental to them are granted
such. 2) It helps that I don't have a set schedule. Some days I will be fully charged and ready to go at 7 AM, others- not till noon, and some, not at all. It's not merely a luxury for me to work from home on my own schedule, it's a necessity!
Some people who don't know about our PMDD, or those who dismiss it as a fictional disorder (I'll get into that later), just paint us as lazy women who don't want to work and support ourselves. I won't pretend I can speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I want to work. I have dreams for my life, things I've always wanted to do. I wanted to help other people. I wanted to pursue some department of the medical field. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, and I don't deserve to be punished by society, friends, family, or strangers, because it did. No, no one else should have to take care of me. Please, help me find a way to cure this disorder, and I'll gladly go work my ass off.
More symptoms... with PMDD often comes an inability to tolerate stimuli like lights, noises, and certain physical sensations (rough fabrics, etc.). Add to that being HSP (I'm be posting about this soon), and it's a recipe for disaster. So all month long, I can't really tolerate such things, but it's far worse in luteal phase than follicular. I can't stand for the TV to be too loud (by my standards), which sometimes annoys my hard-of-hearing (Thanks US Navy) boyfriend. Fans cheering at any event will make my head want to explode. Some people who haven't experienced this don't understand. It's not a headache or anything. It's a feeling of being mentally overwhelmed. My mind can't process all those noises at once. It makes me feel like I'm losing control of myself. My two least favorite things: the sound of tennis shoes screeching on the floor, like one would hear during a basketball game (these have to be played on very low volume in our home), and dirt. I'm not talking about the dirt in my back yard. I can't stand household dirt. Tiny particles of debris carried in on the feet and paws of everyone living here. I wear socks and/or shoes all the time pretty much, because I am literally disgusted if I can feel even a speck dirt on my feet. It's the feeling. I can't stand it, and in luteal phase, it can aggravate me enough to put me in a bad mood for hours, after I vigorously sweep and mop the floors of course!
Forgetfulness... a big one. It makes working harder. I know most people, as they age, start experiencing this on a normal level. They get up and forget why they walked into another room, or start talking and then can't remember what they were about to say. That happens to everyone here and there, but it happens to me several times, every day, during luteal phase. Because of this, I don't speak as fluently as I normally do. Sometimes I feel like it makes me appear uneducated, lofty, or dumb to other people, so it's one of the reasons I avoid social contact during those two weeks. My mind turns into this tangled web of thoughts. It never turns off. While you're talking to me about your new job, I'm thinking about a) what your office might look like, b) who else I know that's had that job, c) where those people are now, d) stories they told me, e) memories i have with those people; it goes on and on and on. One thing you say reminds me of something else, and that reminds me of something else, and that's how my brain works. It can be quite exhausting. I also sometimes forget that's not how everyone elses brain works. So, I'm always in mental overdrive. When I need to be writing on a specific topic, it can take me a long time to complete a project because my mind is constantly going off in some other direction, and it takes a couple minutes for me to notice it and get back on track. I've yet to meet anyone whose forgetfulness is as severe as mine. I'm hoping I'm not headed for Alzheimer's or dementia someday. I tell people things all the time that I've already told them. I can watch a television show and not remember till 30 minutes into it the next day that I already saw that episode. I've even sat down and watched movies that my BF will insist I've already seen, and I will insist I haven't. I'll have no recollection of them, but he can tell me everything about the movie before it happens. I can re-watch the movie without remembering any of it. This is somewhat humorous, sure, but it's also kind of scary!
Irritability. This is one of the worst because it leads to other symptoms like rage and crying spells. It takes very little to offend or upset me. It is as if there's no barrier between what someone says and my emotions. Someone's intentions don't matter. I merely take what they say at face value and sometimes, I think my brain interprets it in the worst way it possibly could. I have no control over this. It's just simply how my mind works. I can be very negative and that's the first place my mind always goes.
Paranoia. Early in luteal phase, I start to get paranoid. In listening to many other women with PMDD, it's led me to believe this paranoia magnifies each of our own individuals insecurities. For me, I have an ex-husband who was purely awful to me. During my marriage, I was emotionally abandoned, lied to, cheated on, screamed at, among other things... totally mind-fucked. Regardless, leaving the marriage set me free. I was sure of that. When I left, I didn't really feel anything but excitement. I felt no remorse, sadness, love, or regret. I was just ready to move on and knew I was making the right choice. I dated for a few years, and never felt any of my past traumas interfered with my then-present relationships. I didn't feel distrusting of men, in fact, I adored them. Well, enter PMDD, and now I'm suspicious of them all. Perhaps being such good friends with so many men over the years only hindered me. I got to know the male species all too well. Now I think every dude has the potential to be a slime ball. My boyfriend and I struggled with his irresponsible lifestyle for some time. He was resistant to grow up, constantly promising me he would, but this took a couple years. Because of that, I looked at him often as I looked at my ex-husband... another man who often promised things and then broke his word. Then I think my boyfriend isn't even as good as his word. I assume he doesn't mean it when he promises me things. I assume he's lying, whether he knows he is yet or not. I am always waiting for him to repeat his past mistakes, because that's what my ex-husband did, and PMDD makes me think all men are like this. Being that I had none of these issues between leaving my ex and meeting my current BF, I am confident they are not emotional wounds I carried with me, but just more bullshit from my past that PMDD causes to manifest every month. This doesn't happen nearly as often outside of luteal phase, but it's still hard for both of us to deal with. When I'm in that dark PMDD-induced paranoia, there's no convincing me I'm wrong. We both just have to roll with it. I need a lot of reassurance from him, which I'm learning is common among PMDD sufferers.
Anxiety. This goes hand-in-hand with the paranoia sometimes. Other times, it's in the form of a panic attack because I can't get through a homework or work assignment. It's exhausting. If you don't understand, then try to think of a time that you were intensely nervous or worried about something. Think about the symptoms that came with that if you've ever been that worried... racing thoughts, cold sweats, nervousness, worry, palpitations, shortness of breath (perhaps the average person doesn't get said symptoms just from worry, but I do)... and then imagine feeling that way, except nothing stimulated it. There's nothing to be worried about. It's Saturday morning. You have nothing to do today but hang out with your family, and yet, you're very worried like you're going to be late for a job interview. It's dreadful. Mine passes pretty quickly most of the time, but I worry it will get worse as I get older. During luteal phase, even my dreams are anxiety-filled!
Depression. In the first couple years of my full-blown PMDD, the depression was worse. I was far more weepy and emotional than anything else. Now, my anxiety is more prevalent than depression. I only get sad after arguments or upsetting events, and have learned to close myself off from others, relax, and calm myself down.
Crying. Sometimes I'll just cry, out of nowhere. I could be perfectly happy and then I'm not, and it's like someone just died. Imagine how comfortable this is when out in public, at a dinner with your boyfriend's family, or at work!
Mood swings. This is the mother load of PMDD. One minute, I'm happy, I love my boyfriend, love my life... then someone says something that reminds me of something I don't like, or a commercial comes on the TV that rubs me the wrong way because it depicts women as objects using sex appeal to sell a product (and I'm a feminist), and it's World War III. Within seconds of something upsetting me, the heart palpitations start. Then I start to worry another panic attack is coming. Then I start getting pissed that I was robbed of the ability to control my own body and mind. Then the tears will start welling up. All the while, I'm wondering why that person said what they said, or why women are still being objectified in 2013 and what our society is coming to. By this time, my boyfriend (who is mostly likely to be nearby) takes notice and either a) doesn't know what's wrong or, b) knows what offended me and is thinking "here we go again."
Negative thoughts... My least favorite thing about PMDD though is not what it does to my career, my relationship, my social life... it's what it does to my psyche. This disorder seems to have a way of digging deep into your mind, into your past. It is capable of drudging up every bad memory you have since childhood. It reminds you monthly of mistakes you've made, hurtful things people have said and/or done to you, all your insecurities and anxieties, and every time you've ever been scared, worried, embarrassed, or ashamed. It reminds you of them over and over again. Every break-up you went through, childhood traumas, getting fired from that job 8 years ago, finding out you were cheated on, having someone you love tell you you're not trying hard enough to combat your "fictional illness", the list goes on... Everyone else gets past these upsets, but women with PMDD rarely do. They can bury it in their follicular phase, but it's waiting for us as soon as ovulation is said and done. When something new happens that's unpleasant, you already know you're never going to be able to forget about it. Worse yet, when PMDD reminds you of these things, the same feelings resurface that you experienced when they happened to you. It is as though you can never fully overcome pain in your life. Think of the hard times you've gone through in your own life. Times you barely survived. Times that had you in bed for days, crying, thinking the sun will never shine again, and imagine if you knew you had no choice but to go through it again every couple weeks. It makes you one very good grudge holder too, let me tell you.
Some people who don't know about our PMDD, or those who dismiss it as a fictional disorder (I'll get into that later), just paint us as lazy women who don't want to work and support ourselves. I won't pretend I can speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I want to work. I have dreams for my life, things I've always wanted to do. I wanted to help other people. I wanted to pursue some department of the medical field. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, and I don't deserve to be punished by society, friends, family, or strangers, because it did. No, no one else should have to take care of me. Please, help me find a way to cure this disorder, and I'll gladly go work my ass off.
More symptoms... with PMDD often comes an inability to tolerate stimuli like lights, noises, and certain physical sensations (rough fabrics, etc.). Add to that being HSP (I'm be posting about this soon), and it's a recipe for disaster. So all month long, I can't really tolerate such things, but it's far worse in luteal phase than follicular. I can't stand for the TV to be too loud (by my standards), which sometimes annoys my hard-of-hearing (Thanks US Navy) boyfriend. Fans cheering at any event will make my head want to explode. Some people who haven't experienced this don't understand. It's not a headache or anything. It's a feeling of being mentally overwhelmed. My mind can't process all those noises at once. It makes me feel like I'm losing control of myself. My two least favorite things: the sound of tennis shoes screeching on the floor, like one would hear during a basketball game (these have to be played on very low volume in our home), and dirt. I'm not talking about the dirt in my back yard. I can't stand household dirt. Tiny particles of debris carried in on the feet and paws of everyone living here. I wear socks and/or shoes all the time pretty much, because I am literally disgusted if I can feel even a speck dirt on my feet. It's the feeling. I can't stand it, and in luteal phase, it can aggravate me enough to put me in a bad mood for hours, after I vigorously sweep and mop the floors of course!
Forgetfulness... a big one. It makes working harder. I know most people, as they age, start experiencing this on a normal level. They get up and forget why they walked into another room, or start talking and then can't remember what they were about to say. That happens to everyone here and there, but it happens to me several times, every day, during luteal phase. Because of this, I don't speak as fluently as I normally do. Sometimes I feel like it makes me appear uneducated, lofty, or dumb to other people, so it's one of the reasons I avoid social contact during those two weeks. My mind turns into this tangled web of thoughts. It never turns off. While you're talking to me about your new job, I'm thinking about a) what your office might look like, b) who else I know that's had that job, c) where those people are now, d) stories they told me, e) memories i have with those people; it goes on and on and on. One thing you say reminds me of something else, and that reminds me of something else, and that's how my brain works. It can be quite exhausting. I also sometimes forget that's not how everyone elses brain works. So, I'm always in mental overdrive. When I need to be writing on a specific topic, it can take me a long time to complete a project because my mind is constantly going off in some other direction, and it takes a couple minutes for me to notice it and get back on track. I've yet to meet anyone whose forgetfulness is as severe as mine. I'm hoping I'm not headed for Alzheimer's or dementia someday. I tell people things all the time that I've already told them. I can watch a television show and not remember till 30 minutes into it the next day that I already saw that episode. I've even sat down and watched movies that my BF will insist I've already seen, and I will insist I haven't. I'll have no recollection of them, but he can tell me everything about the movie before it happens. I can re-watch the movie without remembering any of it. This is somewhat humorous, sure, but it's also kind of scary!
Irritability. This is one of the worst because it leads to other symptoms like rage and crying spells. It takes very little to offend or upset me. It is as if there's no barrier between what someone says and my emotions. Someone's intentions don't matter. I merely take what they say at face value and sometimes, I think my brain interprets it in the worst way it possibly could. I have no control over this. It's just simply how my mind works. I can be very negative and that's the first place my mind always goes.
Paranoia. Early in luteal phase, I start to get paranoid. In listening to many other women with PMDD, it's led me to believe this paranoia magnifies each of our own individuals insecurities. For me, I have an ex-husband who was purely awful to me. During my marriage, I was emotionally abandoned, lied to, cheated on, screamed at, among other things... totally mind-fucked. Regardless, leaving the marriage set me free. I was sure of that. When I left, I didn't really feel anything but excitement. I felt no remorse, sadness, love, or regret. I was just ready to move on and knew I was making the right choice. I dated for a few years, and never felt any of my past traumas interfered with my then-present relationships. I didn't feel distrusting of men, in fact, I adored them. Well, enter PMDD, and now I'm suspicious of them all. Perhaps being such good friends with so many men over the years only hindered me. I got to know the male species all too well. Now I think every dude has the potential to be a slime ball. My boyfriend and I struggled with his irresponsible lifestyle for some time. He was resistant to grow up, constantly promising me he would, but this took a couple years. Because of that, I looked at him often as I looked at my ex-husband... another man who often promised things and then broke his word. Then I think my boyfriend isn't even as good as his word. I assume he doesn't mean it when he promises me things. I assume he's lying, whether he knows he is yet or not. I am always waiting for him to repeat his past mistakes, because that's what my ex-husband did, and PMDD makes me think all men are like this. Being that I had none of these issues between leaving my ex and meeting my current BF, I am confident they are not emotional wounds I carried with me, but just more bullshit from my past that PMDD causes to manifest every month. This doesn't happen nearly as often outside of luteal phase, but it's still hard for both of us to deal with. When I'm in that dark PMDD-induced paranoia, there's no convincing me I'm wrong. We both just have to roll with it. I need a lot of reassurance from him, which I'm learning is common among PMDD sufferers.
Anxiety. This goes hand-in-hand with the paranoia sometimes. Other times, it's in the form of a panic attack because I can't get through a homework or work assignment. It's exhausting. If you don't understand, then try to think of a time that you were intensely nervous or worried about something. Think about the symptoms that came with that if you've ever been that worried... racing thoughts, cold sweats, nervousness, worry, palpitations, shortness of breath (perhaps the average person doesn't get said symptoms just from worry, but I do)... and then imagine feeling that way, except nothing stimulated it. There's nothing to be worried about. It's Saturday morning. You have nothing to do today but hang out with your family, and yet, you're very worried like you're going to be late for a job interview. It's dreadful. Mine passes pretty quickly most of the time, but I worry it will get worse as I get older. During luteal phase, even my dreams are anxiety-filled!
Depression. In the first couple years of my full-blown PMDD, the depression was worse. I was far more weepy and emotional than anything else. Now, my anxiety is more prevalent than depression. I only get sad after arguments or upsetting events, and have learned to close myself off from others, relax, and calm myself down.
Crying. Sometimes I'll just cry, out of nowhere. I could be perfectly happy and then I'm not, and it's like someone just died. Imagine how comfortable this is when out in public, at a dinner with your boyfriend's family, or at work!
Mood swings. This is the mother load of PMDD. One minute, I'm happy, I love my boyfriend, love my life... then someone says something that reminds me of something I don't like, or a commercial comes on the TV that rubs me the wrong way because it depicts women as objects using sex appeal to sell a product (and I'm a feminist), and it's World War III. Within seconds of something upsetting me, the heart palpitations start. Then I start to worry another panic attack is coming. Then I start getting pissed that I was robbed of the ability to control my own body and mind. Then the tears will start welling up. All the while, I'm wondering why that person said what they said, or why women are still being objectified in 2013 and what our society is coming to. By this time, my boyfriend (who is mostly likely to be nearby) takes notice and either a) doesn't know what's wrong or, b) knows what offended me and is thinking "here we go again."
Negative thoughts... My least favorite thing about PMDD though is not what it does to my career, my relationship, my social life... it's what it does to my psyche. This disorder seems to have a way of digging deep into your mind, into your past. It is capable of drudging up every bad memory you have since childhood. It reminds you monthly of mistakes you've made, hurtful things people have said and/or done to you, all your insecurities and anxieties, and every time you've ever been scared, worried, embarrassed, or ashamed. It reminds you of them over and over again. Every break-up you went through, childhood traumas, getting fired from that job 8 years ago, finding out you were cheated on, having someone you love tell you you're not trying hard enough to combat your "fictional illness", the list goes on... Everyone else gets past these upsets, but women with PMDD rarely do. They can bury it in their follicular phase, but it's waiting for us as soon as ovulation is said and done. When something new happens that's unpleasant, you already know you're never going to be able to forget about it. Worse yet, when PMDD reminds you of these things, the same feelings resurface that you experienced when they happened to you. It is as though you can never fully overcome pain in your life. Think of the hard times you've gone through in your own life. Times you barely survived. Times that had you in bed for days, crying, thinking the sun will never shine again, and imagine if you knew you had no choice but to go through it again every couple weeks. It makes you one very good grudge holder too, let me tell you.
PMDD: Treatment
My first approach to treatment for PMDD was a more natural one. Being a psychology major, and knowing what I do about pharmaceutical drugs and their lasting effects, I was not keen on them. I tried several variations of vitamin therapy. St. John's Wort, commonly recommended to treat PMS, did nothing for me. I couldn't tell you if 5-HTP really helped at all or not. If it did, the impact wasn't enough for me to take notice of it. I still take Vitamin D, C, B6, E, Fish Oil, Magnesium, maca root, and a Prenatal Vitamin daily. I do think these help take the edge off my symptoms. The days I forget them are somewhat worse.
After struggling with PMDD for over a year, I tried Sarafem, which is a low dose of Prozac. If you happen to Google this, you'll likely find some articles touting PMDD's authenticity, and claiming it's a made-up disorder that Bayer drummed up in order to brand Prozac as Sarafem before their patent ran out. Additionally, they were able to increase their profits a great deal too. Many doctors, for years now, don't believe PMDD is real. Many others still don't even know what it is. This is unacceptable. I don't work for Bayer. I couldn't tell you if there was or wasn't a master plan involved in their branding of Sarafem. What I do want to say is this: Even if their motives were misaligned, that doesn't mean PMDD isn't real. Why would they have to make up a disorder to rebrand Prozac? That seems more risky and less likely to be approved than finding a real disorder Prozac can treat. I believe that is mostly likely what happened. Are they profiting off of PMDD? Sure! Just like pharmaceutical companies are profiting off of Benzos, mood stabilizers, and everything else. It's hogwash. I don't care how much money they make if people are being helped. Likewise, bad publicity is good publicity. If articles bashing Bayer for their practices got PMDD on the Web and in the news than so be it. Get the damn word out any way you can!
That being said, Sarafem did nothing for me but make me sleepy.
Treatment for PMDD is very much trial and error. What works for one woman may not for you, and vice versa. We don't know why this is yet. Don't give up if something doesn't work for you; that doesn't mean nothing will.Many women find the first 3, 4 or more anti-depressants they try don't work and then the next one does. They are not all the same just because they're all anti-depressants. Don't assume they are. For me, I veered away from anti-depressants all together. It's just a personal preference regarding the way I view drugs and the life I want for myself. They may have a totally different effect on you, and you and I might not think the same about drugs. Don't write them off.
After months of Sarafem, I went off and started exercising. This only helped a little, because I was so out of control and confused about my symptoms. It's very hard to look at PMDD and what it does to you in a clear way if you're own mind isn't clear. When you leave it untreated in all aspects, it wears you down. You spend two weeks in luteal phase going through it, then another week or so getting over the damage you did to yourself, your life, and others during luteal, and then you prepare for it to strike again. It's a horrible cycle with no reprieve.
Around two years ago, I started taking Yaz. Within a month, things were better. Prior to Yaz, my symptoms always started on Day 13/14 of my cycle and lasted thru the 28 days and into the first 4 days of my next cycle. The longer I was on Yaz, the better it got, for the first year or so. It got to where my symptoms didn't really show up until Day 22 - 24, and were gone by Day 2-3 of the next cycle. Additionally, the symptoms weren't as severe. The physical ones decreased some, but headaches were more common. The breast tenderness was worse at first, but then got much better. The emotional flare-ups, rages, mood swings, were less frequent, and easier to dampen and control a bit while in the moment. Not always, but sometimes was definitely better than never!
I took my last month of Yaz recently. If I stay busy, I have less time to fret, ponder, let the negative thoughts seep in... I know though, this can be hard, because sometimes all you can do is muster up the strength to lay around! In case you're wondering- I'm not going off Yaz for any bad reason. We're hoping to get pregnant next year. I was planning to go off in January anyway to give myself some time between that and pregnancy to clear out my system of hormones. My prescription just happened to run out in November, so we decided to do it now. Yaz cleared up my skin. It also has a diuretic in it so the bloating wasn't as bad and went away faster. It didn't help with mental clarity, concentration, anxiety, or forgetfulness, but I wouldn't expect it to. The downside: I think it's responsible for my gaining 15lbs in the past two years and being unable to lose it. Progesterone will do that to many women. I'm hopeful that I can lose it now being off of it- post-holidays of course! LOL
Watching your diet and knowing what effects you most will help you to avoid bad foods when you can. Processed carbs will often make my moods flare up, but sometimes that is the only thing in the house that sounds even remotely good :(
Removal of the ovaries is an option for some women, but I've found it's very hard to find 1) insurance to cover it and, 2) a doctor willing to do it only because of PMDD. Hysterectomies without ovary removal will not guarantee an end to your PMDD. Some women take medication to put them into medical menopause. I am personally not open to this option because, despite what the pharm community says, I fear it could impact fertility long-term, and we're not done having kids. Some other birth control options work for other women now too- the IUD/Coil, patches, etc. There are lots of options to explore so don't give up hope.
I am currently researching Inositol, Ashwagandha, Kava Kava, GABA, Dandelion (diuretic properties), and L-glutamine, but have not taken any of such yet. This month, I plan to add more exercise into my life, force myself to get out and about more, and start meditating. I am also looking for a good acupuncturist. That's where I'm at right now.
After struggling with PMDD for over a year, I tried Sarafem, which is a low dose of Prozac. If you happen to Google this, you'll likely find some articles touting PMDD's authenticity, and claiming it's a made-up disorder that Bayer drummed up in order to brand Prozac as Sarafem before their patent ran out. Additionally, they were able to increase their profits a great deal too. Many doctors, for years now, don't believe PMDD is real. Many others still don't even know what it is. This is unacceptable. I don't work for Bayer. I couldn't tell you if there was or wasn't a master plan involved in their branding of Sarafem. What I do want to say is this: Even if their motives were misaligned, that doesn't mean PMDD isn't real. Why would they have to make up a disorder to rebrand Prozac? That seems more risky and less likely to be approved than finding a real disorder Prozac can treat. I believe that is mostly likely what happened. Are they profiting off of PMDD? Sure! Just like pharmaceutical companies are profiting off of Benzos, mood stabilizers, and everything else. It's hogwash. I don't care how much money they make if people are being helped. Likewise, bad publicity is good publicity. If articles bashing Bayer for their practices got PMDD on the Web and in the news than so be it. Get the damn word out any way you can!
That being said, Sarafem did nothing for me but make me sleepy.
Treatment for PMDD is very much trial and error. What works for one woman may not for you, and vice versa. We don't know why this is yet. Don't give up if something doesn't work for you; that doesn't mean nothing will.Many women find the first 3, 4 or more anti-depressants they try don't work and then the next one does. They are not all the same just because they're all anti-depressants. Don't assume they are. For me, I veered away from anti-depressants all together. It's just a personal preference regarding the way I view drugs and the life I want for myself. They may have a totally different effect on you, and you and I might not think the same about drugs. Don't write them off.
After months of Sarafem, I went off and started exercising. This only helped a little, because I was so out of control and confused about my symptoms. It's very hard to look at PMDD and what it does to you in a clear way if you're own mind isn't clear. When you leave it untreated in all aspects, it wears you down. You spend two weeks in luteal phase going through it, then another week or so getting over the damage you did to yourself, your life, and others during luteal, and then you prepare for it to strike again. It's a horrible cycle with no reprieve.
Around two years ago, I started taking Yaz. Within a month, things were better. Prior to Yaz, my symptoms always started on Day 13/14 of my cycle and lasted thru the 28 days and into the first 4 days of my next cycle. The longer I was on Yaz, the better it got, for the first year or so. It got to where my symptoms didn't really show up until Day 22 - 24, and were gone by Day 2-3 of the next cycle. Additionally, the symptoms weren't as severe. The physical ones decreased some, but headaches were more common. The breast tenderness was worse at first, but then got much better. The emotional flare-ups, rages, mood swings, were less frequent, and easier to dampen and control a bit while in the moment. Not always, but sometimes was definitely better than never!
I took my last month of Yaz recently. If I stay busy, I have less time to fret, ponder, let the negative thoughts seep in... I know though, this can be hard, because sometimes all you can do is muster up the strength to lay around! In case you're wondering- I'm not going off Yaz for any bad reason. We're hoping to get pregnant next year. I was planning to go off in January anyway to give myself some time between that and pregnancy to clear out my system of hormones. My prescription just happened to run out in November, so we decided to do it now. Yaz cleared up my skin. It also has a diuretic in it so the bloating wasn't as bad and went away faster. It didn't help with mental clarity, concentration, anxiety, or forgetfulness, but I wouldn't expect it to. The downside: I think it's responsible for my gaining 15lbs in the past two years and being unable to lose it. Progesterone will do that to many women. I'm hopeful that I can lose it now being off of it- post-holidays of course! LOL
Watching your diet and knowing what effects you most will help you to avoid bad foods when you can. Processed carbs will often make my moods flare up, but sometimes that is the only thing in the house that sounds even remotely good :(
Removal of the ovaries is an option for some women, but I've found it's very hard to find 1) insurance to cover it and, 2) a doctor willing to do it only because of PMDD. Hysterectomies without ovary removal will not guarantee an end to your PMDD. Some women take medication to put them into medical menopause. I am personally not open to this option because, despite what the pharm community says, I fear it could impact fertility long-term, and we're not done having kids. Some other birth control options work for other women now too- the IUD/Coil, patches, etc. There are lots of options to explore so don't give up hope.
I am currently researching Inositol, Ashwagandha, Kava Kava, GABA, Dandelion (diuretic properties), and L-glutamine, but have not taken any of such yet. This month, I plan to add more exercise into my life, force myself to get out and about more, and start meditating. I am also looking for a good acupuncturist. That's where I'm at right now.
Bye-Bye Yaz: Days 14-16
I'm on Day 16 of my first cycle without Yaz in about two years.
Day 14 was abrupt and awful from the moment I woke up. The BF and I fought, and fought. I was anxious upon waking, but still "okay". But by evening, he made a comment that rubbed me the wrong way, and then I was off... for a couple hours. :(
Day 15 was calmer, but I did more to help myself, including exercising, biking for two miles in the morning, and doing a lot of housework, etc to keep busy. I went to dinner with my cousin last night, but it took mentally preparing myself all day to go out. I was mentally worn out, but I'm glad I went.
Day 16, today: It's only noon, but it's an okay day so far. My sex drive is up, which is expected at this time of the month. I'm slightly irritable over my kids' playing Wii Dance right now, but I'm swallowing my feelings.
Day 14 was abrupt and awful from the moment I woke up. The BF and I fought, and fought. I was anxious upon waking, but still "okay". But by evening, he made a comment that rubbed me the wrong way, and then I was off... for a couple hours. :(
Day 15 was calmer, but I did more to help myself, including exercising, biking for two miles in the morning, and doing a lot of housework, etc to keep busy. I went to dinner with my cousin last night, but it took mentally preparing myself all day to go out. I was mentally worn out, but I'm glad I went.
Day 16, today: It's only noon, but it's an okay day so far. My sex drive is up, which is expected at this time of the month. I'm slightly irritable over my kids' playing Wii Dance right now, but I'm swallowing my feelings.
PMDD: My Physical Symptoms
My regular physical symptoms include: bloating- so much that I have a closet full
of pants in three sizes, because I blow up, gaining an average of 6 or 7
lbs a month, sometimes only 4 or 5, some months- 10! As soon as my
period comes, by day 1 to 2 of my cycle, the bloating is gone. Another
lovely physical symptoms- acne. I'm grateful that mine isn't too bad,
but I do get breakouts that half of the month, which don't help me to
feel any better about my appearance.
Fatigue. Understand when I say this, I do not mean I'm a little groggy at work, or I have a harder time getting up in the morning. Some days, I don't get up. More than some, I get up, but spend the rest of my day in sweats on the sofa. Headaches. Fortunately, I usually only get these during my period, but they still suck, and last all day. Often, I have to lay in a dark room half of the day. I can't tolerate light or loud noises. I suppose they're full on migraines most of the time. Medicine doesn't work usually. They're awful and last usually about 3 days.
My appetite fluctuates a ton over the month. During my period week, I usually have less of one. The week after, I eat pretty healthy. The following week, I won't want junk as much, nor will I want to eat as often. The last week of my cycle though, I want to eat all the time. Every 2-3 hours, I'm snacking. I try to balance this week with some healthy choices, because that's the best I can do. Sometimes, I literally eat chips for a meal. If I wake up and I'm craving soup, salsa, chocolate cake, whatever, and it's 9am- I eat it anyway. Trying to ignore my cravings will only make me more irritable (trust me, this is something you do not want to happen).
I get hot flashes, night sweats, and can't tolerate cold/heat often throughout the luteal phase (ovulation through day 1 of the next cycle). I can be in lightweight, short-sleeved clothing in a room where everyone else is cold and in sweatshirts and I'll be sweating. Talk about uncomfortable, unattractive, and annoying. Breast tenderness. This used to be so bad that I didn't even want to put my bra on or take it off. Forget about touching them! I wore sports bras- a lot! TMI alert: I get diarrhea every month right around ovulation, and again when my period is coming... double-over in pain, with cramps so bad they sometimes make me throw up. It's lovely.
Here is a list of symptoms, with those I experience highlighted in bold, taken from Hopkins Medicine, see this link:
Fatigue. Understand when I say this, I do not mean I'm a little groggy at work, or I have a harder time getting up in the morning. Some days, I don't get up. More than some, I get up, but spend the rest of my day in sweats on the sofa. Headaches. Fortunately, I usually only get these during my period, but they still suck, and last all day. Often, I have to lay in a dark room half of the day. I can't tolerate light or loud noises. I suppose they're full on migraines most of the time. Medicine doesn't work usually. They're awful and last usually about 3 days.
My appetite fluctuates a ton over the month. During my period week, I usually have less of one. The week after, I eat pretty healthy. The following week, I won't want junk as much, nor will I want to eat as often. The last week of my cycle though, I want to eat all the time. Every 2-3 hours, I'm snacking. I try to balance this week with some healthy choices, because that's the best I can do. Sometimes, I literally eat chips for a meal. If I wake up and I'm craving soup, salsa, chocolate cake, whatever, and it's 9am- I eat it anyway. Trying to ignore my cravings will only make me more irritable (trust me, this is something you do not want to happen).
I get hot flashes, night sweats, and can't tolerate cold/heat often throughout the luteal phase (ovulation through day 1 of the next cycle). I can be in lightweight, short-sleeved clothing in a room where everyone else is cold and in sweatshirts and I'll be sweating. Talk about uncomfortable, unattractive, and annoying. Breast tenderness. This used to be so bad that I didn't even want to put my bra on or take it off. Forget about touching them! I wore sports bras- a lot! TMI alert: I get diarrhea every month right around ovulation, and again when my period is coming... double-over in pain, with cramps so bad they sometimes make me throw up. It's lovely.
Here is a list of symptoms, with those I experience highlighted in bold, taken from Hopkins Medicine, see this link:
-
Abdominal cramps
-
Bloating
-
Constipation
-
Nausea
-
Vomiting
-
Pelvic heaviness or pressure
-
Backache
-
Acne
-
Neurodermatitis (skin inflammation with itching)
-
Aggravation of other skin disorders, including cold sores
-
Headache
-
Vertigo
-
Syncope (fainting)
-
Numbness, prickling, tingling, or heightened sensitivity of arms and/or legs
-
Easy bruising
-
Heart palpitations
-
Muscle spasms
-
Decreased coordination
-
Painful menstruation
-
Diminished libido (sex drive)
-
Appetite changes
-
Food cravings
-
Hot flashes
-
Visual disturbances
-
Conjunctivitis
-
Edema (swelling of the ankles, hands, and feet)
-
Periodic weight gain
-
Oliguria (diminished urine formation)
-
Breast fullness and pain
-
Irritability
-
Nervousness
-
Lack of control
-
Agitation
-
Anger
-
Insomnia
-
Difficulty in concentrating
-
Lethargy
-
Depression
-
Severe fatigue
-
Anxiety
-
Confusion
-
Forgetfulness
-
Decreased self-image
-
Paranoia
-
Emotional hypersensitivity
-
Crying spells
-
Moodiness
-
Sleep disturbances
Premenstual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)
PMDD: The biggest problem I've ever faced. This is my story. This is my struggle. In the summer of 2009, I became pregnant. The pregnancy was like any other, until it ended abruptly in the first trimester. I was no stranger to a lost pregnancy. This wasn't my struggle. In the days following, I went through the normal motions, and the normal feelings one would experience in my situation. By the end of the month though, my life would be forever changed; I just didn't know it yet.
I'd started using hormonal birth control following the pregnancy, and decided to go off of it, thinking perhaps it was causing the mood swings. Nothing changed by going off of it though except I lost a bunch of weight. It took a few months before my boyfriend pointed out that my up-and-down moods were coming in some sort of pattern- he remarked, "every couple weeks", something I didn't notice. From there, I started researching, and it didn't take long until my web browser was full of tabs, and my eyes full of tears, pouring over message board posts and web pages about PMDD. There was no doubt in my mind that this was what was wrong with me. So I went to my doctor, who had never heard of PMDD, and consequently, I left empty-handed. I started calling other doctors around town, and every nurse on the other end of the line replied with something along the lines of "PM-What?" I knew we were going to be leaving the rural town we lived in and heading closer to a city, so I decided to postpone looking for a doctor until I was in a better place to find a suitable one.
I researched my condition as much as I could. In the meantime, the boyfriend and I really went through hell. Every month, like clockwork, I would turn into a raging bitch; an emotional, volatile, mood swing incarnate. PMDD rears her ugly head every month around ovulation. For me, it starts that day, usually day 13/14 for me as I have a pretty regular 28-day cycle. The symptoms are vast. To be diagnosed with PMDD, you need to have both physical and emotional/cognitive symptoms that repeat, and they must interfere with your life. It also had to, for the most part, go away shortly after your period starts until sometime around or after ovulation. Luckily, PMDD is a little bit more well known now than it was even 4 years ago when I embarked on my journey with it, so you can find a detailed list of the potential symptoms with a quick Internet search. I've detailed both my physical here and emotional/cognitive here symptoms in two other blog posts so as to not make this one too lengthy.
PMDD has been shown to be hereditary. It tends to get worse with age, and pregnancy. While during pregnancy, most symptoms should disappear, some women find that a few do not, or get worse, like anxiety. Following pregnancy though, many women claim their PMDD is worse than it was prior to. I can't say because my kids were both born before I knew I had PMDD. It could simply be that entering back into a life with PMDD is brutal and abrupt for many women after 9 months off. I don't think anyone really knows.
PMDD is NOT a hormonal imbalance. You don't have too little or too much of something. Rather, your body cannot tolerate the normal hormonal fluctuations in your body. This is why it flares up so much at ovulation and progressively gets worse until period time.
PMDD was recently updated in the DSM-5. Check it out It's now classified enough to be considered a mental illness. Most of us with PMDD who have educated ourselves well do not consider it to be a mental illness. Some will say we don't want to be stigmatized. LOL I could care less at this point what they call it; I just want better treatment options. So, it's disheartening to watch the medical community go down a mental illness path when we know they're wrong. It sucks to know we are going to have to wait for them to realize that's not right to even start getting on the right track. I, along with many others who are paving the way in PMDD awareness, believe PMDD is rooted in the pituitary glands, making it an endocrine-based disorder. This is one of the reasons I don't like using anti-depressants, benzos (which I've yet to try), etc. Taking those medications is a great way for some women to catch a break. I totally understand and would never hold it against you. For me, I'm not merely trying to battle PMDD to get through my own life, I'm trying to change the way the world views it and find better treatments. I have never believed in treating the symptoms of a problem. I believe some of this relates to the medical and pharmaceutical industries being largely about profit. If they keep you sick, and just treat your symptoms, you have to keep coming back. I'm not down with that. I want a cure. At best, I want there to be a way to treat the cause-the pituitary gland- not the mental symptoms that your hormones cause after leaving your endocrine system. That's not good enough for me. I think the medical industry looks at the current PMDD treatments and thinks just that; "good enough". Here is a great link to listen to a recent NPR interview with two of the women making waves for PMDD awareness.
It is NOT PMS. I almost resent PMDD being given the name Premenstrual anything. Comparing PMDD and PMS is not like apples and oranges; it's more like comparing a rain shower to a typhoon. Please take time to read up on the symptoms. Educating yourself about PMDD could save your life or the life of someone you know if you think you/they could be suffering from it. This is a disorder that rips families apart, drives women out of their minds, ruins careers, friendships, and even for some, leads to suicide. Without treatment and awareness of the disorder, it will get worse. The earlier treatment begins, the better. You're not alone.
I'd started using hormonal birth control following the pregnancy, and decided to go off of it, thinking perhaps it was causing the mood swings. Nothing changed by going off of it though except I lost a bunch of weight. It took a few months before my boyfriend pointed out that my up-and-down moods were coming in some sort of pattern- he remarked, "every couple weeks", something I didn't notice. From there, I started researching, and it didn't take long until my web browser was full of tabs, and my eyes full of tears, pouring over message board posts and web pages about PMDD. There was no doubt in my mind that this was what was wrong with me. So I went to my doctor, who had never heard of PMDD, and consequently, I left empty-handed. I started calling other doctors around town, and every nurse on the other end of the line replied with something along the lines of "PM-What?" I knew we were going to be leaving the rural town we lived in and heading closer to a city, so I decided to postpone looking for a doctor until I was in a better place to find a suitable one.
I researched my condition as much as I could. In the meantime, the boyfriend and I really went through hell. Every month, like clockwork, I would turn into a raging bitch; an emotional, volatile, mood swing incarnate. PMDD rears her ugly head every month around ovulation. For me, it starts that day, usually day 13/14 for me as I have a pretty regular 28-day cycle. The symptoms are vast. To be diagnosed with PMDD, you need to have both physical and emotional/cognitive symptoms that repeat, and they must interfere with your life. It also had to, for the most part, go away shortly after your period starts until sometime around or after ovulation. Luckily, PMDD is a little bit more well known now than it was even 4 years ago when I embarked on my journey with it, so you can find a detailed list of the potential symptoms with a quick Internet search. I've detailed both my physical here and emotional/cognitive here symptoms in two other blog posts so as to not make this one too lengthy.
PMDD has been shown to be hereditary. It tends to get worse with age, and pregnancy. While during pregnancy, most symptoms should disappear, some women find that a few do not, or get worse, like anxiety. Following pregnancy though, many women claim their PMDD is worse than it was prior to. I can't say because my kids were both born before I knew I had PMDD. It could simply be that entering back into a life with PMDD is brutal and abrupt for many women after 9 months off. I don't think anyone really knows.
PMDD is NOT a hormonal imbalance. You don't have too little or too much of something. Rather, your body cannot tolerate the normal hormonal fluctuations in your body. This is why it flares up so much at ovulation and progressively gets worse until period time.
PMDD was recently updated in the DSM-5. Check it out It's now classified enough to be considered a mental illness. Most of us with PMDD who have educated ourselves well do not consider it to be a mental illness. Some will say we don't want to be stigmatized. LOL I could care less at this point what they call it; I just want better treatment options. So, it's disheartening to watch the medical community go down a mental illness path when we know they're wrong. It sucks to know we are going to have to wait for them to realize that's not right to even start getting on the right track. I, along with many others who are paving the way in PMDD awareness, believe PMDD is rooted in the pituitary glands, making it an endocrine-based disorder. This is one of the reasons I don't like using anti-depressants, benzos (which I've yet to try), etc. Taking those medications is a great way for some women to catch a break. I totally understand and would never hold it against you. For me, I'm not merely trying to battle PMDD to get through my own life, I'm trying to change the way the world views it and find better treatments. I have never believed in treating the symptoms of a problem. I believe some of this relates to the medical and pharmaceutical industries being largely about profit. If they keep you sick, and just treat your symptoms, you have to keep coming back. I'm not down with that. I want a cure. At best, I want there to be a way to treat the cause-the pituitary gland- not the mental symptoms that your hormones cause after leaving your endocrine system. That's not good enough for me. I think the medical industry looks at the current PMDD treatments and thinks just that; "good enough". Here is a great link to listen to a recent NPR interview with two of the women making waves for PMDD awareness.
It is NOT PMS. I almost resent PMDD being given the name Premenstrual anything. Comparing PMDD and PMS is not like apples and oranges; it's more like comparing a rain shower to a typhoon. Please take time to read up on the symptoms. Educating yourself about PMDD could save your life or the life of someone you know if you think you/they could be suffering from it. This is a disorder that rips families apart, drives women out of their minds, ruins careers, friendships, and even for some, leads to suicide. Without treatment and awareness of the disorder, it will get worse. The earlier treatment begins, the better. You're not alone.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
This is a positive blog believe it or not. I was just chatting with a girlfriend. We've never been terribly close or anything, but when we do talk, we do so rather frankly. She's going through some similar problems as I am... people trying to bring her down and mislead her rather than lift her up and encourage her. She's newly pregnant with a great boyfriend, soon to leave our tiny hometown for bigger pastures with him. Things couldn't be going better for her. Yet even her bestest of friends seem to be allowing their selfishness and jealousy interfere with their ability to be happy for and support her.
Onto the point I want to make... the relationship women should have with one another exists between this woman and myself. A few years ago, she and I were nothing more than mere acquaintances who shared mutual friends. I wasn't aware that a man I'd been involved with had also been involved with her at one point. She was much more interested in him than I was, but he seemed more interested in me than he was in her. Nonetheless, when he and I were through, he tried to come back around and I gave him the brush-off. He ran to her. They did hook up. It sort of hurt my feelings thinking he was that shallow, but I moved on nonetheless. He didn't respect her or treat her well. So she moved on too. We never bashed him or anything. I think we both still talk to him from time to time. The point is... that event never got in the way of the budding friendship we had with each other. It never even seemed to occur to either one of us to allow it to get in the way, be angry over it, or dislike each other for it. We're grown women. Now we're friends. I couldn't be happier for her. I hope she knows I respect her merely for being an adult. What an admirable quality. I'm glad I'm not alone in my pursuit to show other women that they don't need to compete or hate each other, even when a man sets you both up to do just that.
Onto the point I want to make... the relationship women should have with one another exists between this woman and myself. A few years ago, she and I were nothing more than mere acquaintances who shared mutual friends. I wasn't aware that a man I'd been involved with had also been involved with her at one point. She was much more interested in him than I was, but he seemed more interested in me than he was in her. Nonetheless, when he and I were through, he tried to come back around and I gave him the brush-off. He ran to her. They did hook up. It sort of hurt my feelings thinking he was that shallow, but I moved on nonetheless. He didn't respect her or treat her well. So she moved on too. We never bashed him or anything. I think we both still talk to him from time to time. The point is... that event never got in the way of the budding friendship we had with each other. It never even seemed to occur to either one of us to allow it to get in the way, be angry over it, or dislike each other for it. We're grown women. Now we're friends. I couldn't be happier for her. I hope she knows I respect her merely for being an adult. What an admirable quality. I'm glad I'm not alone in my pursuit to show other women that they don't need to compete or hate each other, even when a man sets you both up to do just that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)