My Journey Going Off Birth Control

I recalled somewhat how bad my PMDD symptoms were prior to going on Yaz. I knew I probably didn't remember quite how bad it was. I prepared myself for this. I was ready for major mood swings that started on Ovulation day. I was ready for symptoms that persisted until day 5 or 6 of the next cycle. I was ready.

We decided as a couple that I would go off of the pill, because it was our hope we could try to conceive this year. Such a big step is contigent upon when my newly barred attorney of a boyfriend finds the perfect career. So, as soon as those ducks fell into a row, we wanted to be ready, and clear of all trace amounts of hormones and irregular cycles, to start baby making.

Well, I did not expect an ovarian cyst, but that's what I do. A big, 5-6cm complex hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary. Curses!  Imagine it. I went to the doctor because of other issues with recurrent bowel problems, and an abdominal ultrasound reveals this massive thing that isn't supposed to be in there. I had went alone to the doctor that day, never expecting news like this. I say in the waiting room after I was given the news, trying to hold back my tears. Every bad thought from infertility to cancer flashed through my mind. I suppose when you already have to fight PMDD throughout your life, you feel someone entitled to being cut some slack in other departments. When something else happens, and I can think is Really? Is my life not hard enough already?! and ponder why on Earth bad things keep happening to someone already so troubled.

My research hasn't led to much yet. The ultrasound was 6 weeks ago and I have another three before my next trip to radiology. At that time, if the cyst is still there, and not shrinking, they'll want to schedule surgery. Ugh. Surgery. Not my cup of tea. Spend twenty minutes Googling ovarian cysts and you're sure to stumble upon more than a fair share of women who have lost whole ovaries due to these horrible little sacs of crap. Yes, I am aware that fertility isn't impacted by only having one ovary. What I am also all to aware of is how badly PMDD can be impacted by only having one ovary. Seriously. My PMDD could get worse. They are not taking my ovary. I don't trust doctors as much now. No, none of them ever did much wrong to me. I just don't like that I am always... notoriously better educated on whatever ailment myself or my children have than a doctor ever seems to be. I get it, no one is ever going to care more about me and my kids than I am. But trust me, when I get that license to practice medicine I plan to get, I won't discount someone's problems because they aren't mine own. It's not a paycheck. It's a job. You're supposed to do the job regardless of the paycheck. I am growing so tired of people only shooting for half-assed attempts in their career fields. Go all the way or get, I say.

I digress. I've not had much pain with this cyst, but when I do, it's quite uncomfortable. Having gone through childbirth, kidney stones, PMDD at this point... my pain tolerance is pretty high. I'm quite content on keeping the sucker in there if I can, but the doctor scared the crap out of me telling me he's worried about ovarian torsion. This occurs when the cyst causes weight distribution to flip your ovary. Since it's suspended by ligaments on both sides, this can cut off blood supply and you lose the whole ovary. What I struggle with is my Doctor saying my 5-6cm cyst puts me at risk for this, but all these women I've spoke to in Internet support groups and in real life are living with larger cysts than mine, for years now, with no problems. Hmmmm... Onto more research. Thoughts?

The PMDD Project

I'm so excited! A few months ago, a lovely lady named Amanda started a viral video sensation that has led to getting people buzzing about PMDD. These brave, valiant women volunteered their time and possibly, their humility, to open up about PMDD and what it's going to their lives. The ladies discuss their symptoms, the toll PMDD takes on their wellbeing—emotionally, mentally, and physically. You might listen to their stories and feel like you're standing in front of a mirror if you're a sufferer yourself. Some might cause you to break down and cry, because it's so relieving to hear someone else understands what you're going through. You'll hear about the impact having PMDD has had on education and work for these ladies. You'll listen to their accounts of the pain they can't escape, how unfair it is, and how unimportant they feel because PMDD isn't being given the attention it deserves from the medical community. If you have PMDD, listen to these women. If you know someone with PMDD, listen to these women. If you don't have PMDD or know anyone with it, listen to these women. I'm willing to bet everyone is somewhat connected to someone with PMDD. It is not rare. It just isn't paid attention to. Women suffer for years not knowing themselves what is wrong. The time has come for change. A simple sharing of these videos on your Facebook of Twitter gets these voices out there. I know when I publish my videos, I'm going to pray people start seeing my face. I'm going to pray that I'm putting my life out there, all my personal struggles and secrets, all my pain and humility, in hopes that people will care enough to pass it on. Get the message out to the world! Please!

You can find videos for the PMDD Project on Youtube. Check us out!

HSP: Highly Sensitive Person

I have realized my anxiety is always present in some ways, but I contribute most of it to being HSP. So I try to think of it as more of a sensitivity issue than full-blown anxiety. I am not scared to leave my home during my luteal phase. I go run errands, I go to lunch with my boyfriend, I still shop for groceries, and do everything I do outside of luteal phase, except socialize. For awhile, before I knew I was HSP, I thought social anxiety could be a problem, but it never really made sense to me, because I've always been a social butterfly. Likewise, I didn't get anxious around other people like something bad was going to happen. I would just get in a generally bad, mad, sad, mood. I would want to leave. I wouldn't feel in control of my feelings. I realized with much self-reflection that I get this way even at home sometimes. It has to do with

Friends and family get annoyed with me that I rarely answer my phone. I'm good about keeping it nearby, so if I see it light up, I'll answer. I check it pretty regularly unless I'm really busy. What I don't do, is keep my ringer on. I cannot stand the sound of any phone ringer. I hate my boyfriend's too. I loathe alarms of any kind. Anything that comes unexpected, you can expect, I won't like. For me, muting my phone is a big step toward making my day easier.

I can't tolerate pencils. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I cannot use a regular pencil. Some lead varieties are okay, but the standard No. 2 pencil and I will never work together. The feel of a standard pencil gliding across paper sends chills up my spine. There are frequently other sensitivities to fabrics and other sensations. The pencil is the earliest I recall though that's still an issue for me.

It doesn't take much to offend me. Being HSP pretty much means there's no emotional barrier between you and your comments or actions, and my feelings. "Thick skin" isn't an option, even for the toughest of the highly sensitive.

My absolutely most favorite thing in the world is music, but trust me, if it's a genre I don't enjoy, then I don't enjoy it to an extreme level. I listen to music daily, and the older I get, the more I gravitate toward calming and soothing varieties... along the likes of Michael Buble, Ray Lamontagne, James Morrison, Celine Dion, etc.

I'm actually struggling to even type right now because my thoughts are such a mess and it's harder for me sometimes than others (full moon this week; yes, I'm sensitive to the moon's changes) to compose my thoughts and find the words I need.

I was definitely that child that was always referred to as being "too sensitive". Having HSP, and knowing I have it, has somewhat validated me as an adult, maybe not to others, but to myself. I don't discuss my HSP lifestyle in detail with those I don't have to. Too many people just don't understand, and it upsets me when they don't. It's not worth getting upset over, because I truly don't expect the average person to understand what someone like me goes through.

I try my best to arrange obligations and responsibilities in a way that suits the lifestyle I need to keep in order to maintain my sanity. By this, I mean, I take care of me first. If I'm feeling particularly emotional or on edge on a given day when I have somewhere to be, it takes a lot of mental preparation for me to go. Sometimes, I bail. I used to let myself feel guilty and inadequate over this, but I realize now that I have to do what is best for me, even if it's not the societal "norm".

Most people don't exactly love change, but for me, it's awful. I can't even explain to you why it's so terrible; it just is. I prepare myself for things to be a certain way, and if something disrupts that, it's like it interrupts my entire life plan. It can be exhausting for others who are close to me to endure.

Sometimes I can thrive in crowds, but generally only when it's somewhere I am comfortable to begin with. A strange environment, a sports arena with too many screaming fans, or loud buzzers and people moving in every direction make me want to head straight for home and curl up in the fetal position... which bring me to a big part of being HSP, for me anyway...

I often have to push the reset button on life when I'm getting upset or overwhelmed. You can catch me doing such about 2/3 of the month. When this happens, I retreat to wherever I feel most relaxed, so most of the time, this is the bedroom. I'll sometimes light a candle, but most of the time, I want darkness. I lay there, wide awake, for hours sometimes. I generally play music, but limit other noise. Most of the time, no matter what pre-empted by retreat, I will leave the bedroom later on feeling centered and stable. While this may sound like a relaxation method that would help anyone, not just the HSP, understand, that for me, it's not an option. I have to do it, or I'll break down-big time.

My memory is terrible and for this reason, I have to try quite hard to avoid forgetting things in the first place. I've yet to find a tactic that really helps. Maybe I should try Gingko Biloba. I'm sensitive to a lot of things in the media these days. This makes life hard. Involuntarily being in the room when a preview for a movie plays that upsets me means my whole mood could be wrecked for awhile. Ive thought many, many times how much easier my life would be if I could live in a bubble of sorts. I honestly mean that. I am always more aware than the average person of everything, and I do mean everything, around me... from the moods of others, to the temperature, the faucet dripping down the hall, the smell of this evening's dinner still lingering in the air, the car door that was just shut at the neighbor's across the street, the pace of my boyfriend's breathing on the other end of the sofa, how hard or lightly he's gripping his computer mouse... the list goes on. My mind is almost always moving at this rate of speed.

LOL Now I'm slightly overwhelmed and would like to finish some of the research I'm putting into my next post on clairvoyance, so I'll leave you with this: Are you HSP? If you are, what's your biggest struggle? Do you see advantages to being HSP? If you aren't, what do you think of what you've read here today?

XO

I can't tolerate caffeine very well at all. I often tremble and feel quite high after half a cup of coffee.