PMDD: The Emotional/Cognitive Side

As if the physical symptoms aren't pleasant enough, the emotional and cognitive symptoms are worse, for me anyway. I can deal with not being able to control my body's temperature, but not being able to control my own thoughts is a terrible way to live. I have a terrible time focusing during my luteal phase. I absolutely cannot concentrate on anything some days. This leads to an inability to work, which as you can imagine, is quite distressing. It only leads to more stress worrying I won't be able to pay the bills. Currently, I am a freelance writer. To date, this is the longest I've ever stayed in one job, and I am positive it's because I work mostly for myself and don't have the restrictions that come with regular, out-of-the-house jobs. 1) It helps a lot not to have to get up and physically go to a job every day. I know many women who have been unable to hold such jobs, and some on disability for other issues, which they consider to be their saving grace. I know other women desperately trying to get disability and being turned away. Meanwhile, many other people with issues far less detrimental to them are granted such. 2) It helps that I don't have a set schedule. Some days I will be fully charged and ready to go at 7 AM, others- not till noon, and some, not at all. It's not merely a luxury for me to work from home on my own schedule, it's a necessity!

Some people who don't know about our PMDD, or those who dismiss it as a fictional disorder (I'll get into that later), just paint us as lazy women who don't want to work and support ourselves. I won't pretend I can speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I want to work. I have dreams for my life, things I've always wanted to do. I wanted to help other people. I wanted to pursue some department of the medical field. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, and I don't deserve to be punished by society, friends, family, or strangers, because it did. No, no one else should have to take care of me. Please, help me find a way to cure this disorder, and I'll gladly go work my ass off.

More symptoms... with PMDD often comes an inability to tolerate stimuli like lights, noises, and certain physical sensations (rough fabrics, etc.). Add to that being HSP (I'm be posting about this soon), and it's a recipe for disaster. So all month long, I can't really tolerate such things, but it's far worse in luteal phase than follicular. I can't stand for the TV to be too loud (by my standards), which sometimes annoys my hard-of-hearing (Thanks US Navy) boyfriend. Fans cheering at any event will make my head want to explode. Some people who haven't experienced this don't understand. It's not a headache or anything. It's a feeling of being mentally overwhelmed. My mind can't process all those noises at once. It makes me feel like I'm losing control of myself. My two least favorite things: the sound of tennis shoes screeching on the floor, like one would hear during a basketball game (these have to be played on very low volume in our home), and dirt. I'm not talking about the dirt in my back yard. I can't stand household dirt. Tiny particles of debris carried in on the feet and paws of everyone living here. I wear socks and/or shoes all the time pretty much, because I am literally disgusted if I can feel even a speck dirt on my feet. It's the feeling. I can't stand it, and in luteal phase, it can aggravate me enough to put me in a bad mood for hours, after I vigorously sweep and mop the floors of course!

Forgetfulness... a big one. It makes working harder. I know most people, as they age, start experiencing this on a normal level. They get up and forget why they walked into another room, or start talking and then can't remember what they were about to say. That happens to everyone here and there, but it happens to me several times, every day, during luteal phase. Because of this, I don't speak as fluently as I normally do. Sometimes I feel like it makes me appear uneducated, lofty, or dumb to other people, so it's one of the reasons I avoid social contact during those two weeks. My mind turns into this tangled web of thoughts. It never turns off. While you're talking to me about your new job, I'm thinking about a) what your office might look like, b) who else I know that's had that job, c) where those people are now, d) stories they told me, e) memories i have with those people; it goes on and on and on. One thing you say reminds me of something else, and that reminds me of something else, and that's how my brain works. It can be quite exhausting. I also sometimes forget that's not how everyone elses brain works. So, I'm always in mental overdrive. When I need to be writing on a specific topic, it can take me a long time to complete a project because my mind is constantly going off in some other direction, and it takes a couple minutes for me to notice it and get back on track. I've yet to meet anyone whose forgetfulness is as severe as mine. I'm hoping I'm not headed for Alzheimer's or dementia someday. I tell people things all the time that I've already told them. I can watch a television show and not remember till 30 minutes into it the next day that I already saw that episode. I've even sat down and watched movies that my BF will insist I've already seen, and I will insist I haven't. I'll have no recollection of them, but he can tell me everything about the movie before it happens. I can re-watch the movie without remembering any of it. This is somewhat humorous, sure, but it's also kind of scary!

Irritability. This is one of the worst because it leads to other symptoms like rage and crying spells. It takes very little to offend or upset me. It is as if there's no barrier between what someone says and my emotions. Someone's intentions don't matter. I merely take what they say at face value and sometimes, I think my brain interprets it in the worst way it possibly could. I have no control over this. It's just simply how my mind works. I can be very negative and that's the first place my mind always goes.

Paranoia. Early in luteal phase, I start to get paranoid. In listening to many other women with PMDD, it's led me to believe this paranoia magnifies each of our own individuals insecurities. For me, I have an ex-husband who was purely awful to me. During my marriage, I was emotionally abandoned, lied to, cheated on, screamed at, among other things... totally mind-fucked. Regardless, leaving the marriage set me free. I was sure of that. When I left, I didn't really feel anything but excitement. I felt no remorse, sadness, love, or regret. I was just ready to move on and knew I was making the right choice. I dated for a few years, and never felt any of my past traumas interfered with my then-present relationships. I didn't feel distrusting of men, in fact, I adored them. Well, enter PMDD, and now I'm suspicious of them all. Perhaps being such good friends with so many men over the years only hindered me. I got to know the male species all too well. Now I think every dude has the potential to be a slime ball. My boyfriend and I struggled with his irresponsible lifestyle for some time. He was resistant to grow up, constantly promising me he would, but this took a couple years. Because of that, I looked at him often as I looked at my ex-husband... another man who often promised things and then broke his word. Then I think my boyfriend isn't even as good as his word. I assume he doesn't mean it when he promises me things. I assume he's lying, whether he knows he is yet or not. I am always waiting for him to repeat his past mistakes, because that's what my ex-husband did, and PMDD makes me think all men are like this. Being that I had none of these issues between leaving my ex and meeting my current BF, I am confident they are not emotional wounds I carried with me, but just more bullshit from my past that PMDD causes to manifest every month. This doesn't happen nearly as often outside of luteal phase, but it's still hard for both of us to deal with. When I'm in that dark PMDD-induced paranoia, there's no convincing me I'm wrong. We both just have to roll with it. I need a lot of reassurance from him, which I'm learning is common among PMDD sufferers.

Anxiety. This goes hand-in-hand with the paranoia sometimes. Other times, it's in the form of a panic attack because I can't get through a homework or work assignment. It's exhausting. If you don't understand, then try to think of a time that you were intensely nervous or worried about something. Think about the symptoms that came with that if you've ever been that worried... racing thoughts, cold sweats, nervousness, worry, palpitations, shortness of breath (perhaps the average person doesn't get said symptoms just from worry, but I do)... and then imagine feeling that way, except nothing stimulated it. There's nothing to be worried about. It's Saturday morning. You have nothing to do today but hang out with your family, and yet, you're very worried like you're going to be late for a job interview. It's dreadful. Mine passes pretty quickly most of the time, but I worry it will get worse as I get older. During luteal phase, even my dreams are anxiety-filled!

Depression. In the first couple years of my full-blown PMDD, the depression was worse. I was far more weepy and emotional than anything else. Now, my anxiety is more prevalent than depression. I only get sad after arguments or upsetting events, and have learned to close myself off from others, relax, and calm myself down.

Crying. Sometimes I'll just cry, out of nowhere. I could be perfectly happy and then I'm not, and it's like someone just died. Imagine how comfortable this is when out in public, at a dinner with your boyfriend's family, or at work!

Mood swings. This is the mother load of PMDD. One minute, I'm happy, I love my boyfriend, love my life... then someone says something that reminds me of something I don't like, or a commercial comes on the TV that rubs me the wrong way because it depicts women as objects using sex appeal to sell a product (and I'm a feminist), and it's World War III. Within seconds of something upsetting me, the heart palpitations start. Then I start to worry another panic attack is coming. Then I start getting pissed that I was robbed of the ability to control my own body and mind. Then the tears will start welling up. All the while, I'm wondering why that person said what they said, or why women are still being objectified in 2013 and what our society is coming to. By this time, my boyfriend (who is mostly likely to be nearby) takes notice and either a) doesn't know what's wrong or, b) knows what offended me and is thinking "here we go again."

Negative thoughts... My least favorite thing about PMDD though is not what it does to my career, my relationship, my social life... it's what it does to my psyche. This disorder seems to have a way of digging deep into your mind, into your past. It is capable of drudging up every bad memory you have since childhood. It reminds you monthly of mistakes you've made, hurtful things people have said and/or done to you, all your insecurities and anxieties, and every time you've ever been scared, worried, embarrassed, or ashamed. It reminds you of them over and over again. Every break-up you went through, childhood traumas, getting fired from that job 8 years ago, finding out you were cheated on, having someone you love tell you you're not trying hard enough to combat your "fictional illness", the list goes on... Everyone else gets past these upsets, but women with PMDD rarely do. They can bury it in their follicular phase, but it's waiting for us as soon as ovulation is said and done. When something new happens that's unpleasant, you already know you're never going to be able to forget about it. Worse yet, when PMDD reminds you of these things, the same feelings resurface that you experienced when they happened to you. It is as though you can never fully overcome pain in your life. Think of the hard times you've gone through in your own life. Times you barely survived. Times that had you in bed for days, crying, thinking the sun will never shine again, and imagine if you knew you had no choice but to go through it again every couple weeks. It makes you one very good grudge holder too, let me tell you.