Summer Breeze, Makes Me Feel Fine

Let's see how long that one's stuck in your head... :) How's everybody doing? How is summer treating you? It's been a real whirlwind in our house since school let out. Just prior to such, I got a new job offer that I happily—and nervously—scooped up. I work a little too much these days, but who doesn't <3 money, right? June seemed to pass quickly while I tried to learn the ropes of a new company. Of course, what else does summer mean? For us, a little more of a social life than I've had time for. The beau and I often clash on this one. He works hard and I love him for it, but he works hard pretty much only at work. So outside of the 9-5, I do just about everything else, including all the housework. Working from home generally has lots of advantages, but when you add two kids to the mix that are normally in school all day, it gets challenging. Couple that with neighborhood friends running in and out of the house, lunches and snack time to make, sibling arguments to mediate and dogs barking at the mayhem, and you can account for why I'm often working in the evenings too until my eyelids fail me.

So I work a lot of weekends too now, making my free time all that more important to me when I get it. When downtime arises, I being the homebody that I am want nothing more than to stay in my pajamas all day and watch TV movies and maybe nap. The BF would rather me get up and put myself together, make a covered dish and attend a family picnic for six hours... Enter, argument of the century. I can't be the only one who thinks seeing extended family members monthly is too much, can I? LOL I know some will argue, and there are those who see their family much more regularly than that, but we've never been the type. In fact, I've only been told by his family that they see him more since he met me. I agree that my lifestyle and bringing two kids in tow with me aided in making more family oriented, but sometimes it's overkill for me. I mean, PMDD is already robbing me of half of my life. Add to that the heavy workload I'm under (and the housework, etc that he doesn't exactly try to help with)... when I have time to take a break, I really want to take a break—from life. Not put on makeup to go eat the same food with the same people and listen to melodrama. His family, they're very good people and always seem to have the best intentions, but family functions, in my opinion, are often different experiences for women and men. I've discussed this with some in his family and they agreed, so don't hate on me lol.

For men, they sit around a television watching whatever seasonal sport is relevant, drink beer and wait to be served a meal. This is at least how it is in my BF's family. For the women, we're expected to be trapped in the kitchen cooking and serving said meal. Annnnnnd there's usually a fair amount of gossip... ugh. That's what does me in. I cannot tolerate the gossip, the woe is me divorce stories, the so-and-so is drinking/smoking/lying again, blah blah blah and at the end of the day thanks for the sub-par meal and dumping all that emotional garbage on me before I go home and collapse. The simple solution sounds like it would be to opt out of "some" events, to which the BF could attend alone. Ehhh enter loud annoying buzzer sound that brings back memories of failed $100,000 Pyramid memories... the BF isn't cool with that either. So geesh, what's a girl to do? Most of the time, I am up for said family functions if they're during my good days, but when something is slated for PMDD-time, the last thing in the world I want is to be around negativity and while his family certainly wouldn't describe themselves as such, the gossip is present and as I'm learning, a little unavoidable without looking like I'm being antisocial or lazy (staying out of the kitchen). Of course, those with no knowledge of what it's like to have PMDD would say to ignore it, shake it off, don't engage.... oh if only it were that simple :(

I digress... summer had it's fair share of family time on my side, too. I've seen my sister and Mom a lot, which has been nice since my sister just had a new baby I get to love on, but also taxing at times because it's simply hard for me to be around the same people all the time without getting annoyed during luteal. We went to the beach together in July and it was a pretty good week overall. I'm starting to get a good handle on things with PMDD and I think I've been managing it quite well. I'm lucid enough most of the time now that I can more clearly see what is happening with my relationship with the BF, too. Likewise, I think he's going to have his own mental health issues to work out in the future, but he's just not open to accepting something is wrong right now, so... what can ya do?

Now we're approaching mid-August. I just completed 6th grade orientation with my daughter and I'm nervous for her. I can see the anxiety she's feeling on her face and I think about how scared she must be not knowing what to expect from middle schoolers. I'm scared of the day she comes home in tears having found out what middle school is like, ugh. Was it bad for everyone? It sure had some low points for me. I definitely view middle school as that time in my life when the problems of boys really liking me and girls really hating me having started :/ When the fuck is that shit going to end?

That last statement really makes me think, because my girlfriend is coming to town this week and we're going out for a little girl's night and ever since we made plans, I've worried about who I may run into... it's really terrible, I know it is, that I have these anxieties living back in my hometown, but I do. Small towns.... ick! No wonder I love city life!

Alright, I have to get my ass to work. I'll be at it all evening at this point. Love you betches! Till next time...

Update: A PMDD Life Without Yaz

Wait for it.... utterly brutal. Terrible. Awful. All-consuming. Horrific. Violent. Rageful.

(insert screeching car braking noise). Just kidding! Not bad at all actually. No, really.

So I stopped Yaz in the end of November. You might remember that lovely cyst I developed, which I truly believe birth control to have been the ultimate cause of. I digress... the cyst went away. Yay for that. Here I am six months later and I am just not starting to feel somewhat normal. My cycles have been sporadically jumping around from 23-29 days. The longer ones are actually worse in terms of PMDD. The shorter the cycle, the less likely I am to have bad moods and irritability that linger for about a week. Sex drive is the same off the pill as it was on it. As are many other things like my level of fatigue. Acne is far worse. I had some terrible troubles with it on my back that are finally starting (key word: starting) to clear up slowly. My face can still be a mess from time to time though and I've generally had a pimple or two pretty consistently at all time since going off Yaz.

I am happy to report that life is still a billion times better now off Yaz than it was before it. I in no way think Yaz changed me for the better, or cured any facet of PMDD. Rather, I think it gave me 22 months of breathing room. It was never my plan to stay on Yaz forever, and I'm not sure i will ever go back on it. However, that choice has everything to do with my personal goals to live fairly pharmaceutical-free, and nothing to do with Yaz itself. I needed the clarity it brought to my life for those 22 months. It helped me to clearly see what was happening to me and to start managing it. I learned coping skills I wouldn't have been able to stay on top of when under the fog of PMDD before. All in all, I got stronger. The Yaz took some of the heat off so I could heal a bit and wrap my head around what was going on. So I imagine PMDD is much the same for me as it was before Yaz, it's just that I have grown to be better at managing it, coping with its side effects, and wrangling it in when it gets too crazy.

Forgive me now, it's nearly 2 and I get sleepy (with or without Yaz lol) every day at this time. Talking and writing aren't my best traits for the next two hours or so. Thus, I'll sign off and get up off this sofa before I fall asleep. Have a good day friend.

Update: A Trip to the Baby Doctor

Hopefully I hear about my labwork by the end of the week. While I wait on the fate of my thyroid—and everything else—let's discuss medicine, the practice of it that is, in its current state. My Hump Day was a bit more adventurous than the average day. While I waited in the exam room draped in a lovely pink paper number with a wide, gaping opening down the front, I thought about how uncomfortable I felt. Granted, I wasn't panicking—trembling a tad bit maybe—but I kept my composure, and my breath. Nonetheless, I thought about how I used to tell people that going to the gynecologist never bothered me at all—and it didn't. Truly.

It was a fact of life. I started going in my early teen years, maybe 14 or 15. I was on birth control by the latter. The routine annual appointment was nothing worrisome to me. I've successfully birthed two children. Vaginally. You'd think a room full of strangers during a moment like that would bar you of any future reservations, but when it came time to put my legs up in those stirrups, my stomach was a little worse for wear. I found myself feeling uneasy. The Doctor was great. He's great.

I am positive some of this anxiety comes from my own self esteem. I know, I know. Doctors aren't there to check you out. Well, not like that. That doesn't make it any easier to strip down in front of them and lay still while they examine your bikini line vagina and feel you up perform a breast exam.

Blog coming to screeeeeeeeeeching halt...!

My NP's nurse just called to review my lab results.... and

Extremely low B12 and Vitamin D levels. So, it's weekly shots and pills for me for the next couple months. Hopefully this insane fatigue is gone soon.

Back to what I was ranting about... am I the only one wondering how much I should groom myself pre-OBGYN appointment? I can't be. Unfortunately, I'm down and out with a sore throat and headache that the Dr tells me will likely get worse and have to run its course over the next couple weeks. Greaaaaat.

For now, I'm off to work. TG I get to type from bed :) I consider myself lucky to have a freelance job every single day. Till next time folks- take care!

Preparing to TTC!!

The beau and I have finally reached a point in both our relationship and professional lives where it seems like we're ready to expand our family. No, two kids are not enough :) I spent last week getting my teeth cleaned, annual x-rays, and whatnot, before hopping over to my Nurse Practitioner's office to discuss my hormones, and a slew of other maladies that could spring up in pregnancy. I've got a knack for UTI's and kidney infections when I'm pregnant. No sooner does one clear up than another appears. Somehow, it's still amazingly worth it.

I'm off to the OB tomorrow for a lovely pap smear and a little pre-conception chit-chat. Then labs... check the thyroid, the sex hormones, the kidney and liver functions, mineral levels, etc. I've found in discussing these things with female friends that very few are aware they should be doing these things, especially women with hormone problems!

In this day and age, you cannot rely on your physician. Long gone are the days where you could trust that every Doctor knows what they're talking about. Legitimately, there probably never was such a day, but people were more comfortable with such in days gone by. Educate yourself. Doctors take an oath to treat you, sure, but somewhere in the mix, they take a super secret oath they don't tell you about where they agree to serve and protect insurance companies while lining their own pockets too! JK, but seriously, all jokes aside, do some research. Stop being afraid of being wrong. No one is ever going to care about your wellbeing as much as you do.

Maca Root: A PMDD Miracle?

Alright, I don't like to tout the word miracle, however, the past couple cycles that I've been taking maca root, my PMDD has been significantly better. How you might ask? For starters, almost no mental/emotional symptoms. I've had more energy, and because of that I've been doing more with my time. Normally, as luteal phase onsets and progresses, I get less and less active. I don't tend to get out of the house much during those weeks. Social interaction is far from something I'm interested in... until now.

What is Maca Root?

There is already a lot of information out there on the Web regarding maca root and how it can help nourish your endocrine system and balance your hormones, so I'm not going to touch on it too heavily. That being said, maca root is actually a vegetable plant. I'm not a doctor, and I won't boast any ability to categorize what is natural and what isn't, but come on... it's a vegetable people.

This natural remedy, popularly grown in Peru, is a known energetic. If you are known to be sensitive to other energetics, such as caffeine, you may want to start taking Maca Root in small doses. Likewise, taking it in the morning is best. I have forgotten it twice, and taken it later in the day, and I paid for it with some serious insomnia both nights. I've not thoroughly researched who should and should not take maca root. I think anything is worth running by your physician or naturopath.

Should You Take Maca Root?

I have read that women with PCOS, breast cancer, or those with thyroid problems may want to veer away from taking maca root. Meanwhile, some medical experts recommend it to treat some thyroid conditions. Other articles have mentioned cautioning those with prostate cancer from taking it. People with high blood pressure may want to avoid maca root as one study did find that maca root increased blood pressure levels in some patients when large doses were taken on a daily basis. People with goiters are often advised against maca root use. While it has been used for years upon years in some cultures when trying to conceive and while pregnant, many modern day doctors advise against it. It seems it's often a matter of self-education when it comes to maca root. Some medical professionals don't even know what it is. It's not mainstream medicine. Just like many other herbs, it hasn't been evaluated to say officially, whether it is safe or not. I would strongly advise doing your own research and discussing your maca root treatment plan with a medical professional if you have any concerns.

What Maca Root Is Doing For Me

I've been out several times with friends recently. The bloating—still present—didn't hold me back from recent nights on the town. I've had the energy to get up in the morning and get the kids off to school, the laundry, dishes, housekeeping... done, with time to spare. I've taken time to have lunch with friends and even squeezed in a couple naps here and there. Yes, I do have more energy. I'm not so lethargic that I'm laying in bed all day, but the tiresome aspect is still there. I am still sleepy by 9pm, but I'm functioning better and making more appropriate use of my time all around.

The fatigue that I do experience isn't the kind one feels with the depression that sets in during luteal phase. Maybe that's due to the fact that I haven't had any depression for the past two cycles. I'm on Day 25 and spotting already, so it looks like Aunt Flo is on the horizon. I actually felt quite good yesterday, even very affectionate toward my other half, which is a feeling that usually wanes by the time ovulation passes for me.

Let's go over last cycle, which was my first official trial run with maca root. I've been taken capsules, about 1200mg a day. I am under the impression that you can take more than such, but that's where I've started, and it seems to be working, so I figure—why mess with a good thing?

Last month, my cycle was 25 days long. It's usually 28 on average. I can't be sure if the maca is shortening it or not, as I just went off birth control four months ago and could still be irregular.

What It's Not Doing

I still have acne (and have since going off the pill). I still have fatigue, as I noted. The bloating is better than usual, but still present. Mentally, I am still in a bit of a fog, feeling like my brain doesn't work as well as it does when in follicular phase. That's pretty much it though. I would even go so far as to say any irritability I have had is comparable to that I'd have on a regular "bad day" in follicular that any non-PMDD person would experience. 

More Benefits

Aside from those I clearly listed above as having impacted me personally, maca root is touted for many other reasons, such as:

• black maca root is used widely as a remedy for low sperm count and poor mobility in men
• yellow maca is thought to improve female fertility
• maca root has been used for ages to support healthy pregnancies
• maca root is said to support glucose control, something that is important to many women with PMDD who find their moods and energy levels are aligned with their blood sugar.
• touted as preventing skin damage by UV rays
• believed to aid in preventing osteoporosis when a lack of estrogen is present
• soothes symptoms of menopause without disrupting hormonal levels (I believe this is why it works for PMDD symptoms)
• boosted libido

Making the Maca Root Choice

Maca root is quite affordable. You can even buy it in powdered form and bake it into things, like these Coconut and Maca Balls. The option to purchase in powder form also means the ability to capule them yourself in the dosage you wish. For the sake of my own sanity and not making a mess or fiddling with such, I buy them with all of that already done for me, but to each there own.

I should note, that I do take other supplements in addition to my daily dose of maca root (which I only currently take during my luteal phase). I also take Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin D, a Prenatal Vitamin, Magnesium, Fish Oil, Vitamin B-6, and Calcium.

Some Great Articles and Studies I've Stumbled Across:

Study: Maca Root Decrease Psychological Side Effects Like Depression and Anxiety

Maca the Hormone Regulator

My Journey Going Off Birth Control

I recalled somewhat how bad my PMDD symptoms were prior to going on Yaz. I knew I probably didn't remember quite how bad it was. I prepared myself for this. I was ready for major mood swings that started on Ovulation day. I was ready for symptoms that persisted until day 5 or 6 of the next cycle. I was ready.

We decided as a couple that I would go off of the pill, because it was our hope we could try to conceive this year. Such a big step is contigent upon when my newly barred attorney of a boyfriend finds the perfect career. So, as soon as those ducks fell into a row, we wanted to be ready, and clear of all trace amounts of hormones and irregular cycles, to start baby making.

Well, I did not expect an ovarian cyst, but that's what I do. A big, 5-6cm complex hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary. Curses!  Imagine it. I went to the doctor because of other issues with recurrent bowel problems, and an abdominal ultrasound reveals this massive thing that isn't supposed to be in there. I had went alone to the doctor that day, never expecting news like this. I say in the waiting room after I was given the news, trying to hold back my tears. Every bad thought from infertility to cancer flashed through my mind. I suppose when you already have to fight PMDD throughout your life, you feel someone entitled to being cut some slack in other departments. When something else happens, and I can think is Really? Is my life not hard enough already?! and ponder why on Earth bad things keep happening to someone already so troubled.

My research hasn't led to much yet. The ultrasound was 6 weeks ago and I have another three before my next trip to radiology. At that time, if the cyst is still there, and not shrinking, they'll want to schedule surgery. Ugh. Surgery. Not my cup of tea. Spend twenty minutes Googling ovarian cysts and you're sure to stumble upon more than a fair share of women who have lost whole ovaries due to these horrible little sacs of crap. Yes, I am aware that fertility isn't impacted by only having one ovary. What I am also all to aware of is how badly PMDD can be impacted by only having one ovary. Seriously. My PMDD could get worse. They are not taking my ovary. I don't trust doctors as much now. No, none of them ever did much wrong to me. I just don't like that I am always... notoriously better educated on whatever ailment myself or my children have than a doctor ever seems to be. I get it, no one is ever going to care more about me and my kids than I am. But trust me, when I get that license to practice medicine I plan to get, I won't discount someone's problems because they aren't mine own. It's not a paycheck. It's a job. You're supposed to do the job regardless of the paycheck. I am growing so tired of people only shooting for half-assed attempts in their career fields. Go all the way or get, I say.

I digress. I've not had much pain with this cyst, but when I do, it's quite uncomfortable. Having gone through childbirth, kidney stones, PMDD at this point... my pain tolerance is pretty high. I'm quite content on keeping the sucker in there if I can, but the doctor scared the crap out of me telling me he's worried about ovarian torsion. This occurs when the cyst causes weight distribution to flip your ovary. Since it's suspended by ligaments on both sides, this can cut off blood supply and you lose the whole ovary. What I struggle with is my Doctor saying my 5-6cm cyst puts me at risk for this, but all these women I've spoke to in Internet support groups and in real life are living with larger cysts than mine, for years now, with no problems. Hmmmm... Onto more research. Thoughts?

The PMDD Project

I'm so excited! A few months ago, a lovely lady named Amanda started a viral video sensation that has led to getting people buzzing about PMDD. These brave, valiant women volunteered their time and possibly, their humility, to open up about PMDD and what it's going to their lives. The ladies discuss their symptoms, the toll PMDD takes on their wellbeing—emotionally, mentally, and physically. You might listen to their stories and feel like you're standing in front of a mirror if you're a sufferer yourself. Some might cause you to break down and cry, because it's so relieving to hear someone else understands what you're going through. You'll hear about the impact having PMDD has had on education and work for these ladies. You'll listen to their accounts of the pain they can't escape, how unfair it is, and how unimportant they feel because PMDD isn't being given the attention it deserves from the medical community. If you have PMDD, listen to these women. If you know someone with PMDD, listen to these women. If you don't have PMDD or know anyone with it, listen to these women. I'm willing to bet everyone is somewhat connected to someone with PMDD. It is not rare. It just isn't paid attention to. Women suffer for years not knowing themselves what is wrong. The time has come for change. A simple sharing of these videos on your Facebook of Twitter gets these voices out there. I know when I publish my videos, I'm going to pray people start seeing my face. I'm going to pray that I'm putting my life out there, all my personal struggles and secrets, all my pain and humility, in hopes that people will care enough to pass it on. Get the message out to the world! Please!

You can find videos for the PMDD Project on Youtube. Check us out!

HSP: Highly Sensitive Person

I have realized my anxiety is always present in some ways, but I contribute most of it to being HSP. So I try to think of it as more of a sensitivity issue than full-blown anxiety. I am not scared to leave my home during my luteal phase. I go run errands, I go to lunch with my boyfriend, I still shop for groceries, and do everything I do outside of luteal phase, except socialize. For awhile, before I knew I was HSP, I thought social anxiety could be a problem, but it never really made sense to me, because I've always been a social butterfly. Likewise, I didn't get anxious around other people like something bad was going to happen. I would just get in a generally bad, mad, sad, mood. I would want to leave. I wouldn't feel in control of my feelings. I realized with much self-reflection that I get this way even at home sometimes. It has to do with

Friends and family get annoyed with me that I rarely answer my phone. I'm good about keeping it nearby, so if I see it light up, I'll answer. I check it pretty regularly unless I'm really busy. What I don't do, is keep my ringer on. I cannot stand the sound of any phone ringer. I hate my boyfriend's too. I loathe alarms of any kind. Anything that comes unexpected, you can expect, I won't like. For me, muting my phone is a big step toward making my day easier.

I can't tolerate pencils. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I cannot use a regular pencil. Some lead varieties are okay, but the standard No. 2 pencil and I will never work together. The feel of a standard pencil gliding across paper sends chills up my spine. There are frequently other sensitivities to fabrics and other sensations. The pencil is the earliest I recall though that's still an issue for me.

It doesn't take much to offend me. Being HSP pretty much means there's no emotional barrier between you and your comments or actions, and my feelings. "Thick skin" isn't an option, even for the toughest of the highly sensitive.

My absolutely most favorite thing in the world is music, but trust me, if it's a genre I don't enjoy, then I don't enjoy it to an extreme level. I listen to music daily, and the older I get, the more I gravitate toward calming and soothing varieties... along the likes of Michael Buble, Ray Lamontagne, James Morrison, Celine Dion, etc.

I'm actually struggling to even type right now because my thoughts are such a mess and it's harder for me sometimes than others (full moon this week; yes, I'm sensitive to the moon's changes) to compose my thoughts and find the words I need.

I was definitely that child that was always referred to as being "too sensitive". Having HSP, and knowing I have it, has somewhat validated me as an adult, maybe not to others, but to myself. I don't discuss my HSP lifestyle in detail with those I don't have to. Too many people just don't understand, and it upsets me when they don't. It's not worth getting upset over, because I truly don't expect the average person to understand what someone like me goes through.

I try my best to arrange obligations and responsibilities in a way that suits the lifestyle I need to keep in order to maintain my sanity. By this, I mean, I take care of me first. If I'm feeling particularly emotional or on edge on a given day when I have somewhere to be, it takes a lot of mental preparation for me to go. Sometimes, I bail. I used to let myself feel guilty and inadequate over this, but I realize now that I have to do what is best for me, even if it's not the societal "norm".

Most people don't exactly love change, but for me, it's awful. I can't even explain to you why it's so terrible; it just is. I prepare myself for things to be a certain way, and if something disrupts that, it's like it interrupts my entire life plan. It can be exhausting for others who are close to me to endure.

Sometimes I can thrive in crowds, but generally only when it's somewhere I am comfortable to begin with. A strange environment, a sports arena with too many screaming fans, or loud buzzers and people moving in every direction make me want to head straight for home and curl up in the fetal position... which bring me to a big part of being HSP, for me anyway...

I often have to push the reset button on life when I'm getting upset or overwhelmed. You can catch me doing such about 2/3 of the month. When this happens, I retreat to wherever I feel most relaxed, so most of the time, this is the bedroom. I'll sometimes light a candle, but most of the time, I want darkness. I lay there, wide awake, for hours sometimes. I generally play music, but limit other noise. Most of the time, no matter what pre-empted by retreat, I will leave the bedroom later on feeling centered and stable. While this may sound like a relaxation method that would help anyone, not just the HSP, understand, that for me, it's not an option. I have to do it, or I'll break down-big time.

My memory is terrible and for this reason, I have to try quite hard to avoid forgetting things in the first place. I've yet to find a tactic that really helps. Maybe I should try Gingko Biloba. I'm sensitive to a lot of things in the media these days. This makes life hard. Involuntarily being in the room when a preview for a movie plays that upsets me means my whole mood could be wrecked for awhile. Ive thought many, many times how much easier my life would be if I could live in a bubble of sorts. I honestly mean that. I am always more aware than the average person of everything, and I do mean everything, around me... from the moods of others, to the temperature, the faucet dripping down the hall, the smell of this evening's dinner still lingering in the air, the car door that was just shut at the neighbor's across the street, the pace of my boyfriend's breathing on the other end of the sofa, how hard or lightly he's gripping his computer mouse... the list goes on. My mind is almost always moving at this rate of speed.

LOL Now I'm slightly overwhelmed and would like to finish some of the research I'm putting into my next post on clairvoyance, so I'll leave you with this: Are you HSP? If you are, what's your biggest struggle? Do you see advantages to being HSP? If you aren't, what do you think of what you've read here today?

XO

I can't tolerate caffeine very well at all. I often tremble and feel quite high after half a cup of coffee.