This is just one more step in the journey for me, and it's actually one of the more recent ones I've made. Earlier this year, I happened to get into a discussion with Cat Hawkins. Let's just call her the PMDD guru. She was a mentor of sorts for me for many years before she chose to exit the PMDD scene. The support group I run (https://www.facebook.com/groups/PMDDREDTENT/) was hers before me. She passed on the torch when she reached a point in her life where she felt the label was no longer doing her any good. She had grown beyond PMDD and the diagnosis that required her to live (at least in her online presence) as though she was afflicted by an illness and nothing more was holding her back from being true to herself.
At that stage in my life, I was still heavily embroiled in PMDD advocacy and wanting to find relief for women. I had begun to see improvements in my own life, but they were mostly still from a medical/physical standpoint. I came off of birth control, which I'd been on for 22 months. Yes, I am still a hater of birth control even though it helped me some while I was on it. It makes so many women worse, and it's just a band-aid.
Yes, a band-aid. The Yaz wasn't hurting me in any way. In fact, it reduced my number of bad days while I was on it. In effort to be true to me, though, and to my cycle, I knew I couldn't stay on it. It was more important to me to endure whatever came my way without the buffer of birth control in a pursuit of getting in touch with my true cycle than to escape PMDD. To my surprise, when I went off of Yaz, there was no turbulence. My PMDD was not any worse. Because of this, I only felt stronger that it was the right choice to stop it. As my spiritual connection to my inner divine feminine strengthened, I felt PMDD melt away more.
I also started making some serious choices regarding my lifestyle. I added in more whole foods. I don't drink alcohol much to begin with and I don't use any drugs, though I would be open to marijuana if I ever felt I needed something again in my life. I cut out toxic people. This was a big change for me. I don't care who it is. A shitty boss, your overbearing mother, your hubby's family... no one said it was going to be easy, ladies. There may be arguments over it, as well. I've been there. But if there are people in your life who aren't serving you well and helping to carry you to a higher level of being, then they have no place there. It doesn't matter who they are. Cut them out.
That same year, my fiance and I separated for a bit. If you want to call it that. He moved out. We lived apart for several months, and it took that for me to have some true separation in my mind of what feelings and thoughts were really coming from me, and what was fueled by PMDD. We moved back in together eventually and have been stronger for it ever since.
The following year, I found a full time job working from home as a writer. This was a big accomplishment for me personally, because I am more comfortable at home. Having to be on someone else's schedule and leave the house every day just isn't my style. I realize that may sound immature or even selfish, but in an effort to be true to me and who I am, I decided I had to break the mold of what society, my partner or my parents etc thought I should be. I needed to create. I have always been a writer. This is who I am. Going against that in any fashion left me feeling angry and depleted. The energy that would come out every month had nowhere to go, so it ended up being directed in the wrong places as anger and frustration.
At this point, things really started improving for me. The bad days were at their fewest. The depression was mild. I was still functioning. I was social. I lived life on my own schedule, which was a huge relief for me. When a family function arose that I didn't want to attend, I didn't go. I learned to say no, and it was empowering and beneficial. The downside to this was that sometimes those functions were my partner's family, and he would argue with me about my attendance. As soon as we both let go of the idea that we had to be the nuclear family and do everything expected of us, and had to do everything together, life got easier. He loves going to those events. So, he'd go without me. Sometimes he would take the kids and sometimes he wouldn't. The point is, I do what I want, and as childish as that sounds... that is truly what women throughout history are supposed to be doing. It is society that has led us astray. It's not about material or surface wants. It's about instinct and intuition. It's about letting our cycle and the phase we are in guide us and not fighting back against it. Living this way will truly only bring you peace. It can just be a battle to get everyone around you to accept it in this day and age of societal norms and everyone being PC.
Life continued to get better that year and we eventually moved. We had been living in our hometown (which I hate with a passion lol) while my partner studied for, took and passed the bar exam. As soon as he found a job, we were on our way out. This again helped, because that was the last place I ever wanted to live. Again, it's all about following your gut and living a true life that meets your needs. While it's no secret that my ultimate goal is to live back in Salem, Mass (I am most certainly some kind of witch lol) again, that is on pause until it makes the most sense for our family to go back there. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I wasn't for a while. I was bent on going back ASAP. Then my partner got a job offer that would've taken us back, but it also would've meant we'd barely ever see him. I chose him and our family. I made that choice. Just like I made the choice recently to buy a house locally. We will get back to Salem, where my heart is stuck beating without me. Until then, I will live this life to the fullest and accept all that comes with it. Don't skip part of your journey because you're so eager to jump ahead. Don't assume life doesn't start until you find the guy, get the ring, have that baby and so forth. This is your life. Are you really living it?
By 2014 I was a far different person than the woman who started out with PMDD struggling so deeply. I had learned so much, and while I'd probably read every piece of peer-reviewed literature ever published on hormones and menstruation, it was the insight from historical points of view and spirituality that eventually put me on the right path. Read more about that here.
When Cat turned the Red Tent over to me and parted ways, she left a long post to group members about her reasons for departing, and while I sympathized, I didn't fully understand this until much later. It's refreshing and exciting to find myself in the same place nowadays. Now I get it. I've outgrown this label. I've outgrown PMDD. What I am is far bigger than PMDD. I am a woman. I'm mysterious and mystical. I have superpowers that PMDD wants to suppress with a label and drugs. I am product of hundreds and thousands of women who came before me whose spirits are pleading with me to recognize my true power.
The closer to get to those women, the closer I get to the divine feminine, the closer I get to me. It all makes sense now. And thus, because I have outgrown this label, I too chose to leave it behind. I shudder a bit when having to explain PMDD to someone, because I don't even want to use the terminology. I still ponder medical causes and don't discount that this condition arises out of nowhere for most women. It certainly did for me. But I look back now and see how it all played out. I see how much work it took to undo it, and I am stronger for that. This is why even though I do wonder if my PMDD will ever return, I do not fear such as terribly as some might think. Because I know I can overcome it. And I know you can, too.
I haven't made a grand announcement in my group that I'm leaving it behind. Mostly, I am not yet content with any one person that I want to pass it on to. But I have a great admin team that helps out. And as I noted, the drama and negativity are at the bare minimum in our group. So, I never feel I need to stay on top of it all day every day. That said, if you're a member, and you have noticed I'm not all that present these days as I once was. This is why. I grew too big for PMDD. I've learned to much to go back and box myself in to that way of thinking. I am so blessed, and I only hope that some of you find yourselves reading this now and connecting with it. For those that don't, do not dismay, please. Just as I didn't quite connect with Cat's words upon her departure from the label, my words may not resonate with you now. But someday... if you let your inner goddess follow you, someday, they will.
X - Danielle
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